Details & Prayer

I am scheduled to go in for induction in the morning (Saturday). Our prayer now is for safety over me and guidance for the doctors. I would ask that the Lord allow the process of induction to be one that is not very painful (physically) and happens quickly. A vaginal delivery is the ideal choice in this situation, however, a c-section might occur if all does not go as planned. Our desire is to deliver this baby naturally (meaning vaginally). We also pray for the care of our other children at home. The nurse said this process might be a slow one and could take days. It is very hard for me to be away from my other children, and so I ask for God's provision with care for them, and comfort for my heart. We would also be grateful if the baby could come out in tact and able for us to see and hold. Thank you, thank you for continued prayers and support!

A Growin' Belly (16 weeks)

Telling the kids about the baby

On the day we told Christian & Cambria about the baby, we brought a birthday invitation into the house and said they'd been invited to a party happening in September. The invitation had a riddle inside to find out who's birthday party it was. They are really into riddles and love doing this kind of thing. It read:

You will find me where the hunger makes a rumble; 

and in here I like to dance & tumble.

I have a lot of space to swim and 

in this place you have also been.

It takes me several months to grow, 

but at this time I have my fingers & my toes.

Although right now we haven't met, 

you will soon love me very much, I bet!

So here's your final hint about my tiny life,

I am not number 1, not 2, not 3, not 4--but 5!

This is the day J.V. and I saw a heartbeat on our little "bean" for the first time. 

We were so thrilled and went out on a date night to celebrate at the Canyon restaurant. (I was just 7 weeks pregnant).

Blessed Day

May 5, 2011

I went to the doctor on Tuesday and, as I sat in the waiting room with my baby dancing around in my belly, I was filled with amazing peace. It wasn’t like the appointment just a week prior when I sat there, focused on my breathing and using everything in me not to burst out into sobs in front of all the other expectant mothers. No, this time, I sat there, looking through the scrapbooks the doctor keeps in her waiting room, enjoying all the pictures of babies she had delivered in the past. Looking at the different families and wondering about their different stories, and then seeing our own family’s growth through the years (pictured in the books) with the arrival of baby 1, baby 2, and then the twins. God gently reminded me of our journey and His faithfulness. I was really just able to sit in peace and enjoy my baby’s movements.

The feeling of peace continued over the next day when we visited Sea World and Cami rubbed my belly asking the baby if she was enjoying her time there. I experienced this (almost strange) calm and then it occurred to me that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day. I thought “Am I losing my mind?”

At home that night lying in bed with my hands on my stomach, I focused on the tiny life inside of me; watching to see if I could feel her movements. Although it felt like there was something still in my stomach, it didn’t feel like life anymore. The next day (Thursday) I went to my Bible study and they played a slideshow of all the children and with it played a familiar children’s song. They played “Jesus Loves Me” and quite suddenly I felt a rush of emotions in my heart. The only other time I had heard the full version of this song was when a good friend of mine had lost her precious daughter to a heart condition a few years earlier. We all know the first couple of verses, but then the song continues:

Jesus loves me! loves me still,

'tho I'm very weak and ill,

that I might from sin be free,

bled and died upon the tree.



Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!

Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.



Jesus loves me! He who died

heaven's gate to open wide;

He will wash away my sin,

let His little child come in.



Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!

Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

As I heard the words and looked at the faces of the children up on the screen, I realized that our baby girl had just entered those gates. Tears welled up in my eyes, but still, peace.

I left the study a little early and drove to my doctor’s office. As I lay on the table waiting, holding my breath and listening to the static of the doppler on my belly, the nurse finally set down her instrument and said, “I think the baby is gone.” Although I knew this moment was coming, my heart couldn’t help but sink again. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I told her that everything is ok, the Lord has given me peace. She cried and talked with me and then we walked to the front of the office. It was their lunch hour so the office was empty. We talked about the details of what would happen next. I would receive confirmation by ultrasound, and then be admitted to the hospital as soon as possible for induction. Like my other scheduled C-section with the twins, I would go in knowing that I would deliver a baby that day, but this baby wouldn’t be coming home with us. Still, peace.

We love this baby. We wanted this baby. We already miss this baby, but we know this is not the end. This precious child of God is made perfect with her heavenly father now and we will be united with her again one day. Our whole family, the kids we were allowed to raise here on earth, and all the babies that He called home sooner. We will be together and it will be a day of rejoicing!

This cross is heavy

May 3, 2011

As J.V. and I were setting up this blog and reading over the events that have unfolded over the last week and a half, we realized that the call of concern from my doctor was received on the Friday before Easter—“Good Friday.” That’s the day that our seemingly “perfect life” began to unravel. That’s the day that I called J.V. at work, trying to catch my breath between frantic sobs as I told him that something was very wrong. We wondered if there was significance to the day and God’s timing, and we believe there is. The day that the Lord, himself, was tortured and beaten, carrying His cross to die for us is the same day that we were asked to pick up our own cross. Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24

A friend told me something recently that has stuck and resonates with me even more now in light of our current circumstances. She said, “We are called to live a life surrendered to the Lord and that doesn’t necessarily mean always taking the road of least resistance.” The culture that we live in tells us to make life easy on ourselves, do what’s convenient, whatever feels good, but is that what the Lord has demonstrated to us? I don’t think so. He wants us to be authentic followers of Him and that will mean sharing in His suffering, that will mean answering His calling even when it doesn’t feel good. Stepping out in faith, when you can’t see how the next step is even possible. He only asks us to be faithful for today. We don’t need to worry about the future, or the details, or the how’s or why’s because we can leave that to Him. He just asks us to trust Him. This is how we are refined, how we show Him obedience, and how we become who He intended us to be. I am not suggesting that I am happy about our circumstances. Would I have signed up for this? No way. Would I take it away and make my daughter healthy and with us if it were in my control. Of course I would. My flesh yells out in the middle of the night, “This is not fair! This is a horrible, dirty trick. Why is this happening to us?” But I know that those thoughts are only the enemy whispering to me in my weakness. He will not have victory. I am living under a God that I have surrendered my life to and that I must trust with every circumstance of my life.

I would encourage anyone who has had hardship in their life and seen God work through it, to claim it and not keep it a secret. I think the Lord gives us testimony to be shared, not hidden. In a way, the Lord has prepared J.V. and I to walk this journey, because I have seen His faithfulness before when I had initially felt He wasn’t being fair in a circumstance. J.V. and I are not strangers to loss. We endured 8 devastating miscarriages before this. I experienced true anger at God during that time. I felt there was not even reason to pray anymore, because He never answered…not the way I thought He should anyways. Did He even hear me? He did, because not long after the suffering, He allowed us to be a part of a greater blessing, a plan that in our humanness we would not have orchestrated ourselves. He allowed us to adopt our beautiful embryos, which have given us the blessing of our twins. We are a part of a ministry for the Lord that we would have never imagined for our lives. He did answer our prayers, just not the way we thought He should when we were only looking at a piece of His tapestry. We serve a God who does not operate in a box. He tells us in Isaiah 55:9, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” He had a plan all along and He does now too. How gracious of Him to surround us with an army of believers who are intercepting and praying on our behalf! He is using all of you to carry us through right now and we are grateful! A lot of people, when faced with a loss of this degree, might feel alone and isolated in their experience, and I have at times, but because of all we experienced prior to this journey, we had several other couples we could call on who have walked this path before us, who lost their sons and daughters. They have shown us how to walk with grace and trust. They are the ones who are brave, faithful, and have given their lives completely to the Lord. I am inspired by their courage and they lift me up. Thank you, friends, you have paved the way for us and our own journey. 

The day our lives changed forever

In January, we were shocked at the news that I had become pregnant. We were a little confused, but rejoiced still and thought this baby to be a beautiful gift from the Lord.  However, after several prior pregnancy losses (early losses), and other events happening in our lives, we decided to wait to share our news. Around 16 weeks we joyously began spreading the word. We celebrated with family and friends until the Friday before Easter when we got a concerned call from the doctor.  I had gone for my routine 18 week ultrasound and they discovered that the amniotic fluid surrounding the baby was dangerously low. They asked me to see a specialist and have a more detailed ultrasound the following week. I was put on bed rest and told to drink as much as possible. Well, the very next week I went to see the specialist and what he found was more devastating than anything we could have imagined.

The doctor said that our sweet baby had not developed correctly, meaning that her kidneys were not functioning properly and they could find no bladder for her. It appeared as if she may have a hole in her heart and they concluded that she would be "incompatible with life." With no amniotic fluid, her lungs would not be allowed to develop as they should and her organs were not repairable. The specialist who told me that he is "in the business of fixing babies" suggested we terminate the pregnancy. Of course, we are unable to do that to our precious child, created with value and purpose by the Lord. So the very difficult journey begins. I will carry this little one until the Lord chooses to take her, whether that be in a few months or right after she is delivered. I am almost 20 weeks right now and she is due in September. We are clinging to the one who promises never to leave us. He is our "strength in time of trouble." Psalm 37:39