Thursday, May 5, 2011

Blessed Day

May 5, 2011
I went to the doctor on Tuesday and, as I sat in the waiting room with my baby dancing around in my belly, I was filled with amazing peace. It wasn’t like the appointment just a week prior when I sat there, focused on my breathing and using everything in me not to burst out into sobs in front of all the other expectant mothers. No, this time, I sat there, looking through the scrapbooks the doctor keeps in her waiting room, enjoying all the pictures of babies she had delivered in the past. Looking at the different families and wondering about their different stories, and then seeing our own family’s growth through the years (pictured in the books) with the arrival of baby 1, baby 2, and then the twins. God gently reminded me of our journey and His faithfulness. I was really just able to sit in peace and enjoy my baby’s movements.
The feeling of peace continued over the next day when we visited Sea World and Cami rubbed my belly asking the baby if she was enjoying her time there. I experienced this (almost strange) calm and then it occurred to me that I hadn’t felt the baby move all day. I thought “Am I losing my mind?”
At home that night lying in bed with my hands on my stomach, I focused on the tiny life inside of me; watching to see if I could feel her movements. Although it felt like there was something still in my stomach, it didn’t feel like life anymore. The next day (Thursday) I went to my Bible study and they played a slideshow of all the children and with it played a familiar children’s song. They played “Jesus Loves Me” and quite suddenly I felt a rush of emotions in my heart. The only other time I had heard the full version of this song was when a good friend of mine had lost her precious daughter to a heart condition a few years earlier. We all know the first couple of verses, but then the song continues:
Jesus loves me! loves me still,

'tho I'm very weak and ill,

that I might from sin be free,

bled and died upon the tree.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!

Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.

Jesus loves me! He who died

heaven's gate to open wide;

He will wash away my sin,

let His little child come in.

Yes, Jesus loves me!
Yes, Jesus loves me!

Yes, Jesus loves me!
The Bible tells me so.
As I heard the words and looked at the faces of the children up on the screen, I realized that our baby girl had just entered those gates. Tears welled up in my eyes, but still, peace.
I left the study a little early and drove to my doctor’s office. As I lay on the table waiting, holding my breath and listening to the static of the doppler on my belly, the nurse finally set down her instrument and said, “I think the baby is gone.” Although I knew this moment was coming, my heart couldn’t help but sink again. Tears rolled down my cheeks and I told her that everything is ok, the Lord has given me peace. She cried and talked with me and then we walked to the front of the office. It was their lunch hour so the office was empty. We talked about the details of what would happen next. I would receive confirmation by ultrasound, and then be admitted to the hospital as soon as possible for induction. Like my other scheduled C-section with the twins, I would go in knowing that I would deliver a baby that day, but this baby wouldn’t be coming home with us. Still, peace.
We love this baby. We wanted this baby. We already miss this baby, but we know this is not the end. This precious child of God is made perfect with her heavenly father now and we will be united with her again one day. Our whole family, the kids we were allowed to raise here on earth, and all the babies that He called home sooner. We will be together and it will be a day of rejoicing!

1 comment:

  1. My beautiful, precious friend...I am overcome with grief and tears for your family! I am so sorry! I love you and am praying for God's continual, miraculous peace for all of you!