This cross is heavy

May 3, 2011

As J.V. and I were setting up this blog and reading over the events that have unfolded over the last week and a half, we realized that the call of concern from my doctor was received on the Friday before Easter—“Good Friday.” That’s the day that our seemingly “perfect life” began to unravel. That’s the day that I called J.V. at work, trying to catch my breath between frantic sobs as I told him that something was very wrong. We wondered if there was significance to the day and God’s timing, and we believe there is. The day that the Lord, himself, was tortured and beaten, carrying His cross to die for us is the same day that we were asked to pick up our own cross. Jesus said to his disciples, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me.” Matthew 16:24

A friend told me something recently that has stuck and resonates with me even more now in light of our current circumstances. She said, “We are called to live a life surrendered to the Lord and that doesn’t necessarily mean always taking the road of least resistance.” The culture that we live in tells us to make life easy on ourselves, do what’s convenient, whatever feels good, but is that what the Lord has demonstrated to us? I don’t think so. He wants us to be authentic followers of Him and that will mean sharing in His suffering, that will mean answering His calling even when it doesn’t feel good. Stepping out in faith, when you can’t see how the next step is even possible. He only asks us to be faithful for today. We don’t need to worry about the future, or the details, or the how’s or why’s because we can leave that to Him. He just asks us to trust Him. This is how we are refined, how we show Him obedience, and how we become who He intended us to be. I am not suggesting that I am happy about our circumstances. Would I have signed up for this? No way. Would I take it away and make my daughter healthy and with us if it were in my control. Of course I would. My flesh yells out in the middle of the night, “This is not fair! This is a horrible, dirty trick. Why is this happening to us?” But I know that those thoughts are only the enemy whispering to me in my weakness. He will not have victory. I am living under a God that I have surrendered my life to and that I must trust with every circumstance of my life.

I would encourage anyone who has had hardship in their life and seen God work through it, to claim it and not keep it a secret. I think the Lord gives us testimony to be shared, not hidden. In a way, the Lord has prepared J.V. and I to walk this journey, because I have seen His faithfulness before when I had initially felt He wasn’t being fair in a circumstance. J.V. and I are not strangers to loss. We endured 8 devastating miscarriages before this. I experienced true anger at God during that time. I felt there was not even reason to pray anymore, because He never answered…not the way I thought He should anyways. Did He even hear me? He did, because not long after the suffering, He allowed us to be a part of a greater blessing, a plan that in our humanness we would not have orchestrated ourselves. He allowed us to adopt our beautiful embryos, which have given us the blessing of our twins. We are a part of a ministry for the Lord that we would have never imagined for our lives. He did answer our prayers, just not the way we thought He should when we were only looking at a piece of His tapestry. We serve a God who does not operate in a box. He tells us in Isaiah 55:9, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” He had a plan all along and He does now too. How gracious of Him to surround us with an army of believers who are intercepting and praying on our behalf! He is using all of you to carry us through right now and we are grateful! A lot of people, when faced with a loss of this degree, might feel alone and isolated in their experience, and I have at times, but because of all we experienced prior to this journey, we had several other couples we could call on who have walked this path before us, who lost their sons and daughters. They have shown us how to walk with grace and trust. They are the ones who are brave, faithful, and have given their lives completely to the Lord. I am inspired by their courage and they lift me up. Thank you, friends, you have paved the way for us and our own journey.